I'm not sure why I'm updating this, I have not gotten on here in forever.

Life is going good again. Alex and I are about to buy a house... we both found jobs... and he may even be getting promoted soon. We are getting married in about a month as well. Things are definitely hectic and stressful - but exciting at the same time.

It seems as though things would be just about perfect if January had never happened. I've had people tell me that I'm lucky and that they are jealous but it doesn't make any sense to me. How can I be lucky?

I guess people are quick to forget the bad times and the past and only see the present. Unfortunaltly, it is not that easy for me. I imagine everything as if he would be here. What would he think of the house... what would he think of this... etc etc etc.

Sometimes it doesn't feel like he was real anymore. Like I know I used to have a brother, but all he feels like it a faint memory of someone I knew. It scares me. Perhaps I have blocked him out so I don't feel anything at all, I don't know. I guess when no one ever talks about him or brings him up... It also bothers me that my mom and dad are having a much harder time with it than me. I was closer to him than they were, shouldn't I be the one having a harder time? My mom is the worst, but Michael was just like her, had her personality, so that is probably why. She is taking medicine but I don't think it helps much. That scares me.

I just wish so much he was just still here. To experience everything. I called his voicemail the other day to hear his voice and it felt like he was still alive. Like he might call me back. It feels so weird getting older and him staying 20 forever... like when I have kids one day and tell them about their Uncle... it is just so hard to imagine. It feels more like I imagined having a brother at all rather than actually having one that died.

I don't know why I'm writing this. It probably doesn't make any sense. No one reads this though... so I guess it just helps to vent.

I was talking to the receptionist today about my job search. She couldn't believe I couldn't find a job. She was like "You have everything - the fiance, the brains, and the looks (I disagree on that lol)" and I was like "No, I don't have everything." She was like "Yes you do, your lucky."

How am I lucky? I don't have my brother. My family has been ripped to pieces by this horrible tragedy. I act so normal around others and at work they must think it hasn't really affected me.

It is impossible to see your brother killed himself for apparentily no reason at all and NOT be affected mentally. I have and had a hard time feeling anything after what happened, as far as sadness or grief goes. Which is probably why I seem ok even when I shouldn't be.

I called my grandmother today and she mentioned she had gone to Michael's grave and the headstone had finally came in. It was random that she brought it up and I was surprised by how much it upset me. I almost started crying.

I have not been to the cemetary since the day of the funeral. I don't really think I could handle it. And I don't think it is necessary to find out or put myself through that pain. It is all too horrible to imagine that Michael is under the ground even if it just his body.

It feels like yesterday it happened. I can't express in words how much I miss my brother. Everyday I think about him and how much I wish he was here and how I would do anything to have him back. It infuriates me when people take their own siblings for granted... they don't know how lucky they are. When I see movies on TV that have brothers and sisters the same age I get horribly sad and jealous.

I don't know how he could have ever thought it would be worth it. I still don't know why he left us and it haunts me.

He would have been 21 on June 25th... I don't think I'll be able to go to work that day.

Healing Begin
by Randall Benzel

You were my brother, you were my friend
I don't understand how it came to this end.
Life seems so cruel when it turns against us
even when we created most of the problems that haunt us.
We have nothing but questions with no end in sight,
when God calls one home to his eternal light.
Our thoughts leave us empty and feeling alone,
we can't understand God, why you've taken them home.
What comfort we find, comes only with time,
as we try to repair our lives from despair.

We ask you O Lord to help us believe,
So our hearts and our minds may begin to conceive
how only Your way is the path to our end,
and with Your guiding light may our healing begin.

The phone calls you made late into the night,
were your cry for help from your troubles and fright.
Would we have done anything different to reach out to you,
there's just no way of knowing what only God knew.
I can't help but wonder along with those left behind,
how our enduring love couldn't save you this time.
Not a day will go by that we don't think of you,
and how different it could be if only we knew.

We ask you O Lord to help us believe,
So our hearts and our minds may begin to conceive
how only Your way is the path to our end,
and with Your guiding light may our healing begin.

Only you knew the reasons for your depth of despair,
but I sit and I pray that you knew we all cared.
Your death although tragic has given us light,
that you no longer suffer and struggle to fight
the demons that held you so strong in their grasp,
that the good Lord decided to take you at last.
If we could turn back the pages in time,
to a place you held dear in your mind,
we'd look to the heavens and ask God above,
to take all your pain and replace it with love.
Love for the lives we pray you held dear,
your family, your friends, who always were here.
We can't visit the future or return to the past,
But our love for you will forever last.

We ask you O Lord to help us believe,
so our hearts and our minds may begin to conceive
how only Your way is the path to our end,
and with Your guiding light may our healing begin.

When the end has come for those we hold dear,
is it our place to question God for the answers to our fears?
Is it too much to ask for the pain to subside,
so that our heart's no longer troubled and our soul is alive.
Our questions to the Lord, we only pray will be heard,
so that we begin to understand thru His deeds and His word.

You brought us together as we lay you to rest,
our lives changed forever but still we are blessed.
Blessed from your soul with God's love on high,
we look to the heavens and know you're nearby.
We love you our friend and we always will try,
to picture your face with love in your eyes.
For this is the look that we'll remember the most,
as you go to rest with The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

We ask you O Lord to help us believe,
so our hearts and our minds may begin to conceive
how only Your way is the path to our end,
and with Your guiding light may our healing begin.

It wasn't my Intention

Another day for you to wonder, another day for you to mourn,
It wasn't my intention to go before the coming dawn.
My pain was deep within my heart and troubled head,
It wasn't my intention to go without words said.

My frame of mind seemed normal, or so I heard them say,
It wasn't my intention not to see another day.
I did not mean to make you suffer or cause you so much pain,
It wasn't my intention to never see you again.

Despair and confusion left my aching mind unsure,
It wasn't my intention to suddenly close life's door.
If only I can give you reasons and brush the tears away,
It wasn't my intention to leave you and not stay.

I did not mean for you to grieve, now left alone to cry,
It wasn't my intention to leave you, forever asking why.
As the burden of life's worries slowly ebb from my heart
It wasn't my intention to tear your soul apart...

~Author Unknown~

It doesn't make sense

The forensics report came back. There were no drugs in his system. Just alcohol... which we already knew because he had been drinking beer earlier that day.

He wasn't drunk. I'm sorry but I can't blame it on that because I was there and he wasn't drunk. It'd be easier too... but I can't.

So it really was him who did it. Though I believe he was so deeply depressed he didn't see any other way out. So I forgive him... it wasn't his fault. He had all the fatal ingredients and no one put the puzzle together until after he was gone.

I go on this website a lot... forum.forsuicidesurvivors.com and it helps me. Because everyone there has lost someone to suicide. A lot of those who were lost were male and in their 20s. It seems to be a common age... I never knew.

No one talks about it anymore, except for my family. No one at work even asks how I'm doing. They didn't even ask that when I came back. I hate going there because I feel like no one cares at ALL. Sometimes I actually get mad and then their like "Why aren't you smiling? Do you feel sick?" UM NO MY BROTHER JUST DIED. It's been over a month but it feels like it happened yesterday. They don't realize that. Being with someone for 20 years... it's going to take longer than a month.

I miss him terribly. I have some of his stuff at the apartment... like a few of his hats. It's really hard to picture the future without him... because he was always there. I would always call him to do things with me on the weekends, when Alex was at work. I have no one to call now. He was a built-in best friend and it's not fair that he is gone. And the guilt... the guilt... is horrible.

I mean everyone has it. We all wonder why we didn't see he was hurting because we wish we could have talked to him. I had no idea. I STILL have no idea WHY or WHAT he was hurting about. I can speculate... but all of the reasons I come up with don't seem worthy of taking your life over. But maybe when your 20 and a simple-minded guy and you only see tommorrow... I don't know.

I just miss my friend.

How I feel

Please See Me Through My Tears
by Kelly Osmont

You asked, "How am I doing?"
As I told you, tears came to my eyes...
and you looked away and quickly began to talk again.
All the attention you had given me drained away.

"How am I doing?"...I do better when people listen,
though I may shed a tear or two.
This pain is indescribable.
If you've never known it you cannot fully understand.
Yet I need you.
When you look away,
When I'm ignored,
I am again alone with it
Your attention means more than you can ever know.

Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know!
They're nature's way of helping me to heal...
They relieve some of the stress of sadness.

I know you fear that asking how I'm doing brings me sadness
...but you're wrong.
The memory of my loved one's death will always be with me,
Only a thought away.
My tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did not
give me the pain...it was already there.

When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless, not knowing
what to do?
You are not helpless,
And you don't need to do a thing but be there.
When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow,
you've helped me
You need not speak. Your silence as I cry is all I need.
Be patient...do not fear.

Listening with your heart to "how I am doing"
relieves the pain,
for when the tears can freely come and go, I feel lighter.

Talking to you releases what I've been wanting to say aloud,
clearing space
for a touch of joy in my life.

I'll cry for a minute or two...
and then I'll wipe my eyes,
and sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing later.

When I hold back the tears, my throat grows tight,
my chest aches, my stomach knots...
because I'm trying to protect you from my tears.
Then we both hurt...me, because my pain is held inside,
a shield against our closeness...and you,
because suddenly we're distant.

So please, take my hand and see me through my tears...
then we can be close again.

Moving on

Alex and I have moved into our new apartment and I love it. It's a cute one-bedroom and everything looks new, and we even have new carpet. Not to mention there are two lakes and two swimming pools! Summer is going to be fun.

I still miss Michael a whole lot. I had his picture hanging up on my file cabinet at work but then I would start looking at it... and get sad... then I'd start having trouble breathing and my chest would tighten up. That would happen several times a day. I think it was the onset of a panic attack so I took it down. Hopefully it won't happen again today.

Everyone I run into at work or otherwise doesn't talk about it at all. They mostly say stuff like "Glad to have you back" or nothing at all. I know they probably just don't want to bring it up for fear I'll get upset... but I'd much rather them say something than nothing. I'm not going to cry. Pretending it didn't happen isn't helping me ANY because there is rarely a second I don't think about it. I'd much rather someone talk about it or at least acknowledge it happened. Or even my friends... they won't say anything either. It's frustrating but I guess I wouldn't know what to say in their position either.

Right now I'm sitting on the couch with Mocha waiting to go to work. Yep. I hate going to work. I need a new job. But I just haven't felt up to looking... or doing much of anything really. Everyone was trying to get me to go to Mardi Gras but I just haven't been in the mood to party. I mean, it just doesn't feel right so soon after he died.

I think we went to our last meeting with the grief counselor Monday. He read our grief letters aloud and everyone cried. But I think he helped a lot. As long as I don't have anymore nightmares I think I'm progressing.

What the hell happened?

My life still feels like a horrible nightmare. None of it makes ANY sense.

I'll never watch another horror movie for as long as I live.

Moving

Alex and I have decided we no longer want to say at our current apartment. We only paid $100/month due to the fact I had a scholarship but we just can't face the memories. Not to mention we hated the place anyway... horrible neighbors and run-down old apartment to begin with.

So we're moving to a 1 bedroom at a nicer and much safer apartment complex off of Cottage Hill. We used to live in a two bedroom so there will be lots of downsizing and removing clutter. But I think we'll like it a lot more there and will be able to create new, fresh memories. We'll definitely have to budget though. My $7.70/hr paycheck just isn't going to help much. Ugh I NEED A REAL JOB SO MUCH. So we're moving next Friday... super early I know but I'm ready to get out of my parent's house.

My mom is still having a really hard time. Really hard. Cries all the time. I so hope she doesn't have a heart attack because she has been complaining of chest pains. My dad seems to be ok, well, not really... but I guess its much harder for them than for me. Don't get me wrong, I love Michael and felt like I was closer to him than they were... but I guess it is different to lose your brother than to lose your son. They have so much guilt.

The more we replay the night in our minds... and gather information from everyone... the more it seems like maybe Michael was taking drugs or something. Because it would make a lot more sense if that was true. But I would never have thought he would... or ever heard him mention anything about it. He was anti-drug around me, at least. Or we have a theory that maybe he mixed too many diet pills with alcohol and that caused him to go into a rage. They did a toxicology report and we should get the results in a few weeks so I guess we'll know then. I guess, for me, it would be easier to accept if it was drugs. Because if it was, I would know that Michael really was out of his mind and not just completely psycho.

I wish I could wake up

Sometimes I just don't get it. I wonder what the hell is wrong with people. I don't really care who reads this and I don't care if they ever read this. What I write on here is how I really feel and my thoughts at the time. I won't apologize for that.

I want to punch Alex's mom so bad. And his grandmother. Hell, probably even his dad. They are causing him more emotional grief than he needs right now. WTF people. His grandmother called him and got mad at him for forgetting his mom's birthday. Which, in any circumstance, shouldn't be a huge deal. Alex apologized and was still planning on getting her a present.

BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HIS BEST FRIEND/PRACTICALLY BROTHER SHOT HIMSELF IN THE HEAD IN FRONT OF HIM LIKE A WEEK AGO AND YOUR GETTING MAD AT HIM FOR FORGETTING YOUR DAMN BIRTHDAY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU.

I think his family has serious mental problems. I really honest to god do. They are so self centered. Alex is going through a nightmare right now and they do THAT to him. Then he called his mom because he was really upset. He apologized and said he was sorry and that considering the circumstances he simply forgot. He said that he knew she didn't really know Michael that well but he it was like losing his brother. His mom was like "Well, I've lost my son." I want to slap her. Wake her up. Make her realize what she is doing. Alex is the perfect son. Just because he wants to marry me they think he is horrible. They don't want what pain is. THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IS IS LIKE TO LOSE SOMEONE FOR REAL.

I'm so mad. They're hurting my Alex and he doesn't deserve it. Not after what we've been through. Never, really. She said he's choosing to be with a family that hates them rather than be with them. My family does not hate them. I actually was starting to like them. Until this. I hate them. I just can't even describe how much I hate them right now. They are completely backwards. Horrible, disgusting people. I hope one day they realize what they're doing.

Goodbye Michael

You never think something like this would happen to you. To your family. To your best friend. I debated whether or not I wanted to write about it... but I think it will help. Writing helps me, just like talking does. I miss Michael so much and yet I feel nothing at the same time. I wonder what is wrong with me and I really just don't know. We drifted apart this past year since I moved out, but we saw each other every week and hung out all the time. He was "Michael buddy" and I was his "sissy." We loved each other and he knew it. I remember Christmas, when Alex and I worked so hard on the perfect present for him... and he got so choked up he almost cried and hugged me. He never hugs me... but he did that night. He was the best brother I could have ever asked for... we were so close and we rarely ever fought. I'm blessed that God put him in my life because he was such a great guy. I never thought he would do this to us. And just as quick as I wrote that, I stopped crying. I don't know if it is because I'm so mad at him for what he did that it cancels out on me missing him. I'm going to talk to the grief counselor about this and hopefully that will help. I want to cry and grieve for him... but I can't. Part of me wants to hate him for trying to destroy our lives. But part of me knows that wasn't Michael who did that to us. He wouldn't have done that to me. He wouldn't have done that while I was standing there and telling him I loved him. He wouldn't. It was a different Michael and I saw the look in his eyes. He went insane and I honest to god believe that. That whole night was like a twisted nightmare... he seemed like he was kidding. Even after he was dead on the ground we thought he was kidding. I picked up his gun and took it away and told him to get off the ground... because he was acting crazy. Even after I realized what happened I thought he had gone and got another gun while I had walked away and hid his. There was no sound. No scream. Nothing. It was a dream and I couldn't wake up. He died instantly but we didn't know until hours later. That crazy look in his eyes... the crazy joking look he had in his eyes as he ran down the street from us... we were so naive to think he was being dramatic and playing a joke on us. But all five of us there... all of us thought he was joking. Because the Michael we knew... would never do that. Would never do that to us. Would never go that crazy. Or maybe we just hoped he never would. I should have seen it coming... the love of guns and killing small animals, the violent video games, the time he snapped on dad and went to jail, the watching cartoons, the way Mocha would howl whenever she saw him and whimper if he tried to touch her...

There was something wrong. And he was a great liar. He lied to me just for the sake of lying it seemed. But he seemed so normal most of the time. I remember just the other night we went and ate Mexican... and on the way home I was riding in Alex's truck with Alex and he was riding in my car next to us. He called and told us to turn it to WABB. "Just Dance" was on and he was jamming out and dancing in the car next to us. He loved those kinds of songs... we had almost the excact taste in music. That was the Michael I'll remember... not the Michael who snapped. I'll never remember him that way. I love my brother... no matter what he did to me and no matter that I'll have to carry this burden the rest of my life. He was my best friend, my Michael buddy, and always will be. I love you Michael... I always will. I don't know why you did this to us but your in heaven now... where you wanted to be. I'll move on and live my life but don't think I'll ever ever ever forget you. I'll tell my kids about you and show them pictures... and you'll still be standing next to me on my wedding day. I'm sorry you chose not to be there... but I forgive you and I love you. I'm sure you'll have a great time cutting the grass in heaven with Pop, riding tractors, and washing your new truck. I'll see you in 60 years or so and I'll have so many great stories to tell you... don't worry about me here on earth. I'm strong and so is Alex. God would not have let us be there if he hadn't known we couldn't handle it. I'm just glad I got to tell you I love you one last time.

Goodbye Michael... I love you buddy.

Losing weight

I've decided to go on a diet! The scale at home says I'm 135... but I think its off because it also says Alex weighs 200 and the scale at his gym says 180... but I'm not risking it! I feel like I look fatter, so I'm going to try and lose 15 lbs or so.

This is what I've had to eat today -

Breakfast - Special K protein bar
Lunch - Ham sandwich on wholegrain bread w/ a little honeymustard, tomatoes, and pepper

My biggest problem isn't eatting ALOT it's eatting the wrong kind of food. I rarely ever eat snacks... so I'm confused as to how I gained weight... but I think it might be because all I do is sit around all day whereas I used to walk at least some at school.

Whatever the reason, I hope this works.

Sexy vs. Trashy

There is a fine line between sexy and trashy.

Alex and I were having this conversation last night and I thought he brought up a good point. Some girls try so hard to look sexy to attract guys... they just come off as trashy. And you know, you have to just feel bad for them... because they obviously have no self esteem and think if they act a certain way guys will want them. But in all reality, most decent guys wouldn't touch them with a 20 foot pole... in Michael & Alex's terms.

Then again, I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe girls like that really just don't care about getting a steady boyfriend or getting married. If so, then it doesn't really matter if they act that way.

But seriously, come on... if you sleep with every guy you meet on the first date... he is never going to be a serious boyfriend. Because, in his mind, he'll know you've probably done the same thing with other guys... and guys just don't like that... not for the girls they marry.

You don't have to believe me if you don't want... but according to the guys I know, that's how it is. You may be a "good time" but you'll never be the girl they take home to meet the parents.

It's sad, it really is... that some people have no self esteem and live that way. And if you do, for the love of GOD, why would you ever brag about it? It makes you look like trash, which is not cute.

I know I would never associate myself with people like that. If I honestly thought they weren't just confused.

FYI - this is to no one in particular, and it's purely a personal belief that I've always thought. It just happened to come up again last night and I figured I'd blog about it

Crazyness

Well Mrs. Johnson is freaking out again because we officially set our wedding date to 10/17... and I guess making it official caused her to relapse into psycho-mode. I mean, seriously, she knew we were getting married in OCTOBER! I guess she was hoping we'd keep pushing it off and eventually break-up.

Not a chance, honey ;) Whine and moan and cry all you want, I'm still marrying Alex like it or not. And grow up while your at it and realize he'll be TWENTY-FOUR FREAKING YEARS OLD and that is NOT too young no matter how you look at it or try to convince yourself. That argument is getting old. And we WILL last, no matter how much you tell him we have a chance in hell. Wake up and realize that neither you or Mr. Johnson or whoever is going to keep me from marrying my Alex.

No, she doesn't read my blog, I just had to get that out. She's driving me CRAZY with her bipolar crap. I mean, for real, at Christmas she even bought be a "Bride" pin... and now this? COME ON.

Anyway - I'm thinking about changing my colors to sage green, brown, and light gold. Maybe. I don't know... I'm so indecisive.

Well I better get back to cooking supper. Sausage dogs with onion and pepper and homemade garlic-parmesan potato chips (Laila's recipe, the BEST FRY-CHIP THINGS EVER)!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

New Years turned out to be fun! Minus some sketchy people. It never fails.

Regardless, I had fun anyway.



Alex and I in our cute NYE outfits :) I had a little too much fun w/ paint shop pro!