I'm not sure why I'm updating this, I have not gotten on here in forever.

Life is going good again. Alex and I are about to buy a house... we both found jobs... and he may even be getting promoted soon. We are getting married in about a month as well. Things are definitely hectic and stressful - but exciting at the same time.

It seems as though things would be just about perfect if January had never happened. I've had people tell me that I'm lucky and that they are jealous but it doesn't make any sense to me. How can I be lucky?

I guess people are quick to forget the bad times and the past and only see the present. Unfortunaltly, it is not that easy for me. I imagine everything as if he would be here. What would he think of the house... what would he think of this... etc etc etc.

Sometimes it doesn't feel like he was real anymore. Like I know I used to have a brother, but all he feels like it a faint memory of someone I knew. It scares me. Perhaps I have blocked him out so I don't feel anything at all, I don't know. I guess when no one ever talks about him or brings him up... It also bothers me that my mom and dad are having a much harder time with it than me. I was closer to him than they were, shouldn't I be the one having a harder time? My mom is the worst, but Michael was just like her, had her personality, so that is probably why. She is taking medicine but I don't think it helps much. That scares me.

I just wish so much he was just still here. To experience everything. I called his voicemail the other day to hear his voice and it felt like he was still alive. Like he might call me back. It feels so weird getting older and him staying 20 forever... like when I have kids one day and tell them about their Uncle... it is just so hard to imagine. It feels more like I imagined having a brother at all rather than actually having one that died.

I don't know why I'm writing this. It probably doesn't make any sense. No one reads this though... so I guess it just helps to vent.