Moving on

Alex and I have moved into our new apartment and I love it. It's a cute one-bedroom and everything looks new, and we even have new carpet. Not to mention there are two lakes and two swimming pools! Summer is going to be fun.

I still miss Michael a whole lot. I had his picture hanging up on my file cabinet at work but then I would start looking at it... and get sad... then I'd start having trouble breathing and my chest would tighten up. That would happen several times a day. I think it was the onset of a panic attack so I took it down. Hopefully it won't happen again today.

Everyone I run into at work or otherwise doesn't talk about it at all. They mostly say stuff like "Glad to have you back" or nothing at all. I know they probably just don't want to bring it up for fear I'll get upset... but I'd much rather them say something than nothing. I'm not going to cry. Pretending it didn't happen isn't helping me ANY because there is rarely a second I don't think about it. I'd much rather someone talk about it or at least acknowledge it happened. Or even my friends... they won't say anything either. It's frustrating but I guess I wouldn't know what to say in their position either.

Right now I'm sitting on the couch with Mocha waiting to go to work. Yep. I hate going to work. I need a new job. But I just haven't felt up to looking... or doing much of anything really. Everyone was trying to get me to go to Mardi Gras but I just haven't been in the mood to party. I mean, it just doesn't feel right so soon after he died.

I think we went to our last meeting with the grief counselor Monday. He read our grief letters aloud and everyone cried. But I think he helped a lot. As long as I don't have anymore nightmares I think I'm progressing.

What the hell happened?

My life still feels like a horrible nightmare. None of it makes ANY sense.

I'll never watch another horror movie for as long as I live.

Moving

Alex and I have decided we no longer want to say at our current apartment. We only paid $100/month due to the fact I had a scholarship but we just can't face the memories. Not to mention we hated the place anyway... horrible neighbors and run-down old apartment to begin with.

So we're moving to a 1 bedroom at a nicer and much safer apartment complex off of Cottage Hill. We used to live in a two bedroom so there will be lots of downsizing and removing clutter. But I think we'll like it a lot more there and will be able to create new, fresh memories. We'll definitely have to budget though. My $7.70/hr paycheck just isn't going to help much. Ugh I NEED A REAL JOB SO MUCH. So we're moving next Friday... super early I know but I'm ready to get out of my parent's house.

My mom is still having a really hard time. Really hard. Cries all the time. I so hope she doesn't have a heart attack because she has been complaining of chest pains. My dad seems to be ok, well, not really... but I guess its much harder for them than for me. Don't get me wrong, I love Michael and felt like I was closer to him than they were... but I guess it is different to lose your brother than to lose your son. They have so much guilt.

The more we replay the night in our minds... and gather information from everyone... the more it seems like maybe Michael was taking drugs or something. Because it would make a lot more sense if that was true. But I would never have thought he would... or ever heard him mention anything about it. He was anti-drug around me, at least. Or we have a theory that maybe he mixed too many diet pills with alcohol and that caused him to go into a rage. They did a toxicology report and we should get the results in a few weeks so I guess we'll know then. I guess, for me, it would be easier to accept if it was drugs. Because if it was, I would know that Michael really was out of his mind and not just completely psycho.

I wish I could wake up

Sometimes I just don't get it. I wonder what the hell is wrong with people. I don't really care who reads this and I don't care if they ever read this. What I write on here is how I really feel and my thoughts at the time. I won't apologize for that.

I want to punch Alex's mom so bad. And his grandmother. Hell, probably even his dad. They are causing him more emotional grief than he needs right now. WTF people. His grandmother called him and got mad at him for forgetting his mom's birthday. Which, in any circumstance, shouldn't be a huge deal. Alex apologized and was still planning on getting her a present.

BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HIS BEST FRIEND/PRACTICALLY BROTHER SHOT HIMSELF IN THE HEAD IN FRONT OF HIM LIKE A WEEK AGO AND YOUR GETTING MAD AT HIM FOR FORGETTING YOUR DAMN BIRTHDAY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU.

I think his family has serious mental problems. I really honest to god do. They are so self centered. Alex is going through a nightmare right now and they do THAT to him. Then he called his mom because he was really upset. He apologized and said he was sorry and that considering the circumstances he simply forgot. He said that he knew she didn't really know Michael that well but he it was like losing his brother. His mom was like "Well, I've lost my son." I want to slap her. Wake her up. Make her realize what she is doing. Alex is the perfect son. Just because he wants to marry me they think he is horrible. They don't want what pain is. THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IS IS LIKE TO LOSE SOMEONE FOR REAL.

I'm so mad. They're hurting my Alex and he doesn't deserve it. Not after what we've been through. Never, really. She said he's choosing to be with a family that hates them rather than be with them. My family does not hate them. I actually was starting to like them. Until this. I hate them. I just can't even describe how much I hate them right now. They are completely backwards. Horrible, disgusting people. I hope one day they realize what they're doing.

Goodbye Michael

You never think something like this would happen to you. To your family. To your best friend. I debated whether or not I wanted to write about it... but I think it will help. Writing helps me, just like talking does. I miss Michael so much and yet I feel nothing at the same time. I wonder what is wrong with me and I really just don't know. We drifted apart this past year since I moved out, but we saw each other every week and hung out all the time. He was "Michael buddy" and I was his "sissy." We loved each other and he knew it. I remember Christmas, when Alex and I worked so hard on the perfect present for him... and he got so choked up he almost cried and hugged me. He never hugs me... but he did that night. He was the best brother I could have ever asked for... we were so close and we rarely ever fought. I'm blessed that God put him in my life because he was such a great guy. I never thought he would do this to us. And just as quick as I wrote that, I stopped crying. I don't know if it is because I'm so mad at him for what he did that it cancels out on me missing him. I'm going to talk to the grief counselor about this and hopefully that will help. I want to cry and grieve for him... but I can't. Part of me wants to hate him for trying to destroy our lives. But part of me knows that wasn't Michael who did that to us. He wouldn't have done that to me. He wouldn't have done that while I was standing there and telling him I loved him. He wouldn't. It was a different Michael and I saw the look in his eyes. He went insane and I honest to god believe that. That whole night was like a twisted nightmare... he seemed like he was kidding. Even after he was dead on the ground we thought he was kidding. I picked up his gun and took it away and told him to get off the ground... because he was acting crazy. Even after I realized what happened I thought he had gone and got another gun while I had walked away and hid his. There was no sound. No scream. Nothing. It was a dream and I couldn't wake up. He died instantly but we didn't know until hours later. That crazy look in his eyes... the crazy joking look he had in his eyes as he ran down the street from us... we were so naive to think he was being dramatic and playing a joke on us. But all five of us there... all of us thought he was joking. Because the Michael we knew... would never do that. Would never do that to us. Would never go that crazy. Or maybe we just hoped he never would. I should have seen it coming... the love of guns and killing small animals, the violent video games, the time he snapped on dad and went to jail, the watching cartoons, the way Mocha would howl whenever she saw him and whimper if he tried to touch her...

There was something wrong. And he was a great liar. He lied to me just for the sake of lying it seemed. But he seemed so normal most of the time. I remember just the other night we went and ate Mexican... and on the way home I was riding in Alex's truck with Alex and he was riding in my car next to us. He called and told us to turn it to WABB. "Just Dance" was on and he was jamming out and dancing in the car next to us. He loved those kinds of songs... we had almost the excact taste in music. That was the Michael I'll remember... not the Michael who snapped. I'll never remember him that way. I love my brother... no matter what he did to me and no matter that I'll have to carry this burden the rest of my life. He was my best friend, my Michael buddy, and always will be. I love you Michael... I always will. I don't know why you did this to us but your in heaven now... where you wanted to be. I'll move on and live my life but don't think I'll ever ever ever forget you. I'll tell my kids about you and show them pictures... and you'll still be standing next to me on my wedding day. I'm sorry you chose not to be there... but I forgive you and I love you. I'm sure you'll have a great time cutting the grass in heaven with Pop, riding tractors, and washing your new truck. I'll see you in 60 years or so and I'll have so many great stories to tell you... don't worry about me here on earth. I'm strong and so is Alex. God would not have let us be there if he hadn't known we couldn't handle it. I'm just glad I got to tell you I love you one last time.

Goodbye Michael... I love you buddy.