Goodbye Michael

You never think something like this would happen to you. To your family. To your best friend. I debated whether or not I wanted to write about it... but I think it will help. Writing helps me, just like talking does. I miss Michael so much and yet I feel nothing at the same time. I wonder what is wrong with me and I really just don't know. We drifted apart this past year since I moved out, but we saw each other every week and hung out all the time. He was "Michael buddy" and I was his "sissy." We loved each other and he knew it. I remember Christmas, when Alex and I worked so hard on the perfect present for him... and he got so choked up he almost cried and hugged me. He never hugs me... but he did that night. He was the best brother I could have ever asked for... we were so close and we rarely ever fought. I'm blessed that God put him in my life because he was such a great guy. I never thought he would do this to us. And just as quick as I wrote that, I stopped crying. I don't know if it is because I'm so mad at him for what he did that it cancels out on me missing him. I'm going to talk to the grief counselor about this and hopefully that will help. I want to cry and grieve for him... but I can't. Part of me wants to hate him for trying to destroy our lives. But part of me knows that wasn't Michael who did that to us. He wouldn't have done that to me. He wouldn't have done that while I was standing there and telling him I loved him. He wouldn't. It was a different Michael and I saw the look in his eyes. He went insane and I honest to god believe that. That whole night was like a twisted nightmare... he seemed like he was kidding. Even after he was dead on the ground we thought he was kidding. I picked up his gun and took it away and told him to get off the ground... because he was acting crazy. Even after I realized what happened I thought he had gone and got another gun while I had walked away and hid his. There was no sound. No scream. Nothing. It was a dream and I couldn't wake up. He died instantly but we didn't know until hours later. That crazy look in his eyes... the crazy joking look he had in his eyes as he ran down the street from us... we were so naive to think he was being dramatic and playing a joke on us. But all five of us there... all of us thought he was joking. Because the Michael we knew... would never do that. Would never do that to us. Would never go that crazy. Or maybe we just hoped he never would. I should have seen it coming... the love of guns and killing small animals, the violent video games, the time he snapped on dad and went to jail, the watching cartoons, the way Mocha would howl whenever she saw him and whimper if he tried to touch her...

There was something wrong. And he was a great liar. He lied to me just for the sake of lying it seemed. But he seemed so normal most of the time. I remember just the other night we went and ate Mexican... and on the way home I was riding in Alex's truck with Alex and he was riding in my car next to us. He called and told us to turn it to WABB. "Just Dance" was on and he was jamming out and dancing in the car next to us. He loved those kinds of songs... we had almost the excact taste in music. That was the Michael I'll remember... not the Michael who snapped. I'll never remember him that way. I love my brother... no matter what he did to me and no matter that I'll have to carry this burden the rest of my life. He was my best friend, my Michael buddy, and always will be. I love you Michael... I always will. I don't know why you did this to us but your in heaven now... where you wanted to be. I'll move on and live my life but don't think I'll ever ever ever forget you. I'll tell my kids about you and show them pictures... and you'll still be standing next to me on my wedding day. I'm sorry you chose not to be there... but I forgive you and I love you. I'm sure you'll have a great time cutting the grass in heaven with Pop, riding tractors, and washing your new truck. I'll see you in 60 years or so and I'll have so many great stories to tell you... don't worry about me here on earth. I'm strong and so is Alex. God would not have let us be there if he hadn't known we couldn't handle it. I'm just glad I got to tell you I love you one last time.

Goodbye Michael... I love you buddy.