The forensics report came back. There were no drugs in his system. Just alcohol... which we already knew because he had been drinking beer earlier that day.
He wasn't drunk. I'm sorry but I can't blame it on that because I was there and he wasn't drunk. It'd be easier too... but I can't.
So it really was him who did it. Though I believe he was so deeply depressed he didn't see any other way out. So I forgive him... it wasn't his fault. He had all the fatal ingredients and no one put the puzzle together until after he was gone.
I go on this website a lot... forum.forsuicidesurvivors.com and it helps me. Because everyone there has lost someone to suicide. A lot of those who were lost were male and in their 20s. It seems to be a common age... I never knew.
No one talks about it anymore, except for my family. No one at work even asks how I'm doing. They didn't even ask that when I came back. I hate going there because I feel like no one cares at ALL. Sometimes I actually get mad and then their like "Why aren't you smiling? Do you feel sick?" UM NO MY BROTHER JUST DIED. It's been over a month but it feels like it happened yesterday. They don't realize that. Being with someone for 20 years... it's going to take longer than a month.
I miss him terribly. I have some of his stuff at the apartment... like a few of his hats. It's really hard to picture the future without him... because he was always there. I would always call him to do things with me on the weekends, when Alex was at work. I have no one to call now. He was a built-in best friend and it's not fair that he is gone. And the guilt... the guilt... is horrible.
I mean everyone has it. We all wonder why we didn't see he was hurting because we wish we could have talked to him. I had no idea. I STILL have no idea WHY or WHAT he was hurting about. I can speculate... but all of the reasons I come up with don't seem worthy of taking your life over. But maybe when your 20 and a simple-minded guy and you only see tommorrow... I don't know.
I just miss my friend.
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