I called my grandmother today and she mentioned she had gone to Michael's grave and the headstone had finally came in. It was random that she brought it up and I was surprised by how much it upset me. I almost started crying.

I have not been to the cemetary since the day of the funeral. I don't really think I could handle it. And I don't think it is necessary to find out or put myself through that pain. It is all too horrible to imagine that Michael is under the ground even if it just his body.

It feels like yesterday it happened. I can't express in words how much I miss my brother. Everyday I think about him and how much I wish he was here and how I would do anything to have him back. It infuriates me when people take their own siblings for granted... they don't know how lucky they are. When I see movies on TV that have brothers and sisters the same age I get horribly sad and jealous.

I don't know how he could have ever thought it would be worth it. I still don't know why he left us and it haunts me.

He would have been 21 on June 25th... I don't think I'll be able to go to work that day.