I'm not sure why I'm updating this, I have not gotten on here in forever.

Life is going good again. Alex and I are about to buy a house... we both found jobs... and he may even be getting promoted soon. We are getting married in about a month as well. Things are definitely hectic and stressful - but exciting at the same time.

It seems as though things would be just about perfect if January had never happened. I've had people tell me that I'm lucky and that they are jealous but it doesn't make any sense to me. How can I be lucky?

I guess people are quick to forget the bad times and the past and only see the present. Unfortunaltly, it is not that easy for me. I imagine everything as if he would be here. What would he think of the house... what would he think of this... etc etc etc.

Sometimes it doesn't feel like he was real anymore. Like I know I used to have a brother, but all he feels like it a faint memory of someone I knew. It scares me. Perhaps I have blocked him out so I don't feel anything at all, I don't know. I guess when no one ever talks about him or brings him up... It also bothers me that my mom and dad are having a much harder time with it than me. I was closer to him than they were, shouldn't I be the one having a harder time? My mom is the worst, but Michael was just like her, had her personality, so that is probably why. She is taking medicine but I don't think it helps much. That scares me.

I just wish so much he was just still here. To experience everything. I called his voicemail the other day to hear his voice and it felt like he was still alive. Like he might call me back. It feels so weird getting older and him staying 20 forever... like when I have kids one day and tell them about their Uncle... it is just so hard to imagine. It feels more like I imagined having a brother at all rather than actually having one that died.

I don't know why I'm writing this. It probably doesn't make any sense. No one reads this though... so I guess it just helps to vent.

I was talking to the receptionist today about my job search. She couldn't believe I couldn't find a job. She was like "You have everything - the fiance, the brains, and the looks (I disagree on that lol)" and I was like "No, I don't have everything." She was like "Yes you do, your lucky."

How am I lucky? I don't have my brother. My family has been ripped to pieces by this horrible tragedy. I act so normal around others and at work they must think it hasn't really affected me.

It is impossible to see your brother killed himself for apparentily no reason at all and NOT be affected mentally. I have and had a hard time feeling anything after what happened, as far as sadness or grief goes. Which is probably why I seem ok even when I shouldn't be.

I called my grandmother today and she mentioned she had gone to Michael's grave and the headstone had finally came in. It was random that she brought it up and I was surprised by how much it upset me. I almost started crying.

I have not been to the cemetary since the day of the funeral. I don't really think I could handle it. And I don't think it is necessary to find out or put myself through that pain. It is all too horrible to imagine that Michael is under the ground even if it just his body.

It feels like yesterday it happened. I can't express in words how much I miss my brother. Everyday I think about him and how much I wish he was here and how I would do anything to have him back. It infuriates me when people take their own siblings for granted... they don't know how lucky they are. When I see movies on TV that have brothers and sisters the same age I get horribly sad and jealous.

I don't know how he could have ever thought it would be worth it. I still don't know why he left us and it haunts me.

He would have been 21 on June 25th... I don't think I'll be able to go to work that day.

Healing Begin
by Randall Benzel

You were my brother, you were my friend
I don't understand how it came to this end.
Life seems so cruel when it turns against us
even when we created most of the problems that haunt us.
We have nothing but questions with no end in sight,
when God calls one home to his eternal light.
Our thoughts leave us empty and feeling alone,
we can't understand God, why you've taken them home.
What comfort we find, comes only with time,
as we try to repair our lives from despair.

We ask you O Lord to help us believe,
So our hearts and our minds may begin to conceive
how only Your way is the path to our end,
and with Your guiding light may our healing begin.

The phone calls you made late into the night,
were your cry for help from your troubles and fright.
Would we have done anything different to reach out to you,
there's just no way of knowing what only God knew.
I can't help but wonder along with those left behind,
how our enduring love couldn't save you this time.
Not a day will go by that we don't think of you,
and how different it could be if only we knew.

We ask you O Lord to help us believe,
So our hearts and our minds may begin to conceive
how only Your way is the path to our end,
and with Your guiding light may our healing begin.

Only you knew the reasons for your depth of despair,
but I sit and I pray that you knew we all cared.
Your death although tragic has given us light,
that you no longer suffer and struggle to fight
the demons that held you so strong in their grasp,
that the good Lord decided to take you at last.
If we could turn back the pages in time,
to a place you held dear in your mind,
we'd look to the heavens and ask God above,
to take all your pain and replace it with love.
Love for the lives we pray you held dear,
your family, your friends, who always were here.
We can't visit the future or return to the past,
But our love for you will forever last.

We ask you O Lord to help us believe,
so our hearts and our minds may begin to conceive
how only Your way is the path to our end,
and with Your guiding light may our healing begin.

When the end has come for those we hold dear,
is it our place to question God for the answers to our fears?
Is it too much to ask for the pain to subside,
so that our heart's no longer troubled and our soul is alive.
Our questions to the Lord, we only pray will be heard,
so that we begin to understand thru His deeds and His word.

You brought us together as we lay you to rest,
our lives changed forever but still we are blessed.
Blessed from your soul with God's love on high,
we look to the heavens and know you're nearby.
We love you our friend and we always will try,
to picture your face with love in your eyes.
For this is the look that we'll remember the most,
as you go to rest with The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

We ask you O Lord to help us believe,
so our hearts and our minds may begin to conceive
how only Your way is the path to our end,
and with Your guiding light may our healing begin.

It wasn't my Intention

Another day for you to wonder, another day for you to mourn,
It wasn't my intention to go before the coming dawn.
My pain was deep within my heart and troubled head,
It wasn't my intention to go without words said.

My frame of mind seemed normal, or so I heard them say,
It wasn't my intention not to see another day.
I did not mean to make you suffer or cause you so much pain,
It wasn't my intention to never see you again.

Despair and confusion left my aching mind unsure,
It wasn't my intention to suddenly close life's door.
If only I can give you reasons and brush the tears away,
It wasn't my intention to leave you and not stay.

I did not mean for you to grieve, now left alone to cry,
It wasn't my intention to leave you, forever asking why.
As the burden of life's worries slowly ebb from my heart
It wasn't my intention to tear your soul apart...

~Author Unknown~

It doesn't make sense

The forensics report came back. There were no drugs in his system. Just alcohol... which we already knew because he had been drinking beer earlier that day.

He wasn't drunk. I'm sorry but I can't blame it on that because I was there and he wasn't drunk. It'd be easier too... but I can't.

So it really was him who did it. Though I believe he was so deeply depressed he didn't see any other way out. So I forgive him... it wasn't his fault. He had all the fatal ingredients and no one put the puzzle together until after he was gone.

I go on this website a lot... forum.forsuicidesurvivors.com and it helps me. Because everyone there has lost someone to suicide. A lot of those who were lost were male and in their 20s. It seems to be a common age... I never knew.

No one talks about it anymore, except for my family. No one at work even asks how I'm doing. They didn't even ask that when I came back. I hate going there because I feel like no one cares at ALL. Sometimes I actually get mad and then their like "Why aren't you smiling? Do you feel sick?" UM NO MY BROTHER JUST DIED. It's been over a month but it feels like it happened yesterday. They don't realize that. Being with someone for 20 years... it's going to take longer than a month.

I miss him terribly. I have some of his stuff at the apartment... like a few of his hats. It's really hard to picture the future without him... because he was always there. I would always call him to do things with me on the weekends, when Alex was at work. I have no one to call now. He was a built-in best friend and it's not fair that he is gone. And the guilt... the guilt... is horrible.

I mean everyone has it. We all wonder why we didn't see he was hurting because we wish we could have talked to him. I had no idea. I STILL have no idea WHY or WHAT he was hurting about. I can speculate... but all of the reasons I come up with don't seem worthy of taking your life over. But maybe when your 20 and a simple-minded guy and you only see tommorrow... I don't know.

I just miss my friend.

How I feel

Please See Me Through My Tears
by Kelly Osmont

You asked, "How am I doing?"
As I told you, tears came to my eyes...
and you looked away and quickly began to talk again.
All the attention you had given me drained away.

"How am I doing?"...I do better when people listen,
though I may shed a tear or two.
This pain is indescribable.
If you've never known it you cannot fully understand.
Yet I need you.
When you look away,
When I'm ignored,
I am again alone with it
Your attention means more than you can ever know.

Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know!
They're nature's way of helping me to heal...
They relieve some of the stress of sadness.

I know you fear that asking how I'm doing brings me sadness
...but you're wrong.
The memory of my loved one's death will always be with me,
Only a thought away.
My tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did not
give me the pain...it was already there.

When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless, not knowing
what to do?
You are not helpless,
And you don't need to do a thing but be there.
When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow,
you've helped me
You need not speak. Your silence as I cry is all I need.
Be patient...do not fear.

Listening with your heart to "how I am doing"
relieves the pain,
for when the tears can freely come and go, I feel lighter.

Talking to you releases what I've been wanting to say aloud,
clearing space
for a touch of joy in my life.

I'll cry for a minute or two...
and then I'll wipe my eyes,
and sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing later.

When I hold back the tears, my throat grows tight,
my chest aches, my stomach knots...
because I'm trying to protect you from my tears.
Then we both hurt...me, because my pain is held inside,
a shield against our closeness...and you,
because suddenly we're distant.

So please, take my hand and see me through my tears...
then we can be close again.